Why Do I Let Other People's Reactions Affect Me So Much?

The Creative High I Didn't Want to Lose

I get knocked off my high a little too easily.

I had just written a blog post and felt ready to move on to the next. Boom. Look at me go. Another idea to write about. Which was going to be how I take things too seriously. I want to become the Whimsy Master in the next two days. With all sorts of funky stuff in her bag, her room, her wardrobe, on the walls, in her food. Everything.

But then I decided that keeping a little vial of bubbles with me is plenty. It’s enough. Just a fun toy to keep things light and playful. Then my boyfriend texted me something without responding to me telling him that I was sitting on the terrace, blowing bubbles, and working on my blog.

I felt so proud when I texted him that. I even sent him a picture of a baby bubble that got stuck to my coat, which I thought was adorable. He only replied to me asking what he was having for dinner. We’re doing long-distance, so we mostly see each other on the weekends. It was Thursday. Only one more day of waiting. Anyway, he replied with what he was having for dinner and suddenly I felt empty.

Which was disappointing because a second ago I felt alive and turned on by life.

When a Small Moment Feels Like Rejection

I don’t know why.

Maybe because he replied almost immediately to the question, but not to me sharing this thing I was excited about. This thing that I made myself do instead of scrolling. I was probably hoping he’d be into it as much as I was. He texts me something other than what I expected and my heart drops.

Just like that.

How Projection Sneaks Into Relationships

I put it into his hands.

Now everything he does or says can determine whether I keep my momentum or lose it. Which is on me, not him. I love him a lot. But that love has also caused me to project onto him. As if his response decides whether this thing I’m doing matters. Whether it’s worthwhile. Whether it deserves to exist.

Mind you, he does nothing but validate me. He makes me feel loved and safe as much as he can. For me, that feels scary. Because it means so much. Almost too much. In the sense that some part of me expects him to do it all the time. Or else I start fearing a shift in his love for me.

A shift in his attachment to me.

The Fear of Rejection Beneath the Surface

Isn’t that silly?

I mean, not really. But it sounds silly when I think about it. Sometimes we argue about something that started because I was projecting onto him. I cut into the space we’ve created together because I feel insecure about my own existence. I get scared he doesn’t want me, so I pull away.

Then he doesn’t understand why I’m pulling away, which causes him to feel unsafe too. Eventually I explain what’s happening. And he reassures me. We both just want to do better. It’s hard, though. There is a lot of baggage you both bring into a relationship. There is so much love and vulnerability.

But that same vulnerability can also create anger, misunderstanding, and feelings of rejection. Especially when you didn’t grow up with examples of relationships you wanted to emulate.

But that’s a whole other blog post.

Learning the Difference Between Validation and Self-Validation

I also struggle with what is his responsibility and what is mine.

Sometimes, yes, he can improve his communication. But in this instance? This felt like my work. My responsibility. To self-validate. To sit with the feeling. To remind myself that the story I was telling myself wasn’t necessarily true.

The thought loop of “I don’t matter” has been running for so long that it doesn’t even feel like a thought anymore. It feels like a fact. A belief. Something settled deep inside of me.

And moments like this touch it.

Why Emotional Triggers Often Have Deep Roots

These seemingly small moments.

They immediately activate that belief. And I feel it. Deeply. The good thing is that this time I decided to write about it. Instead of my original idea. That idea is still worth writing.

But this feels more alive. More immediate. More honest. If I don’t write about it now, I might lose the flow. And that flow is something I want to honor more.

Invite more.

Nurture more.

Not force.

Not chase.

But welcome when it arrives.

What I Wish I Had Done Instead

Back to the thought loop.

This time, I should have placed a hand over my heart and taken a breath. Opened a door into my soul and stepped inside. Because this was all me. That’s why I don’t want it controlling me so much anymore. I believe that I don’t really matter.

So things like this trigger me. I’ve gotten much better at not listening to that voice. Much better at not acting on it, communicating and sharing it. But something as simple as sharing a moment of pride and having it go unacknowledged?

That one is still tender.

Staying Connected to Yourself Instead of the Fear

I’d like that one to stop poking me so hard.

I would like to stay on my creative highs a little longer. Instead of getting knocked off the ride because I think I’m being rejected. Ignored. Found irrelevant.

All projection, baby. A little bit can be informative. Too much becomes poisonous. It sucks the soul dry and leaves its petals to wilt. They rot at the bottom of the gut, making it harder to stay connected to the world around you. Harder to see clearly.

The smell interferes with the signal.

A Reminder to Clean Out the Soul

Clean your soul every once in a while, girl.

There are so many things in there that no longer serve you. They helped you survive. They helped you make it through the hardest parts.

But now? You get to enjoy the fruits of your labor. You don’t have to keep them hidden anymore. No need to protect them as if someone is still waiting to spit on them, stomp on them, or throw them away.

They’re yours now.

Let them see the light.